In THE SPOTLIGHT this time is the A Namibian Political Satire

A recent workshop held at an exclusive local hotel, was billed to find strategies to reduce 2/3 majority of the SWAPO Party. In attendance were the usual RDP leaders and their supporters, but things soon took a different direction, read on….

The workshop opened with a prayer by Rudolf Kamburona: Ladies and Comrades let us pray, dear God in heaven listen to our prayers. Man, some days we pray through sending you sms and to remind you about blessing us in the upcoming Presidential and National Assembly Elections and to reduce to 2/3 majority of Mighty SWAPO Party. Come now and give us hope to calculate our predictions of winning, not the one from IPPR, that one was dismissed as you know by Nambinga and ya Nangolo. Amen!

First to take the floor is Phil yaNangolo

Ya Nangolo: My name is Phil ya Nangoloh, yes the very one who is NSHR’s Executive Director for life. I have been systematically monitoring the electoral process with the view to document any legally actionable instances of electoral fraud, unfairness and un-freeness. I am an expert election observer and analyst. Listen to me. I am also a political analyst and a leading Namibian human rights defender. I am the 2006 recipient of the Media Institute of Southern Africa (MISA) Freedom of Expression Award winner. I tried my best, I wanted to take Sam Nujoma to the ICC, I went to Angola and dug up bones of the dead, I facilitated the transfer of Congolese refugees straight into Botswana, the laws of Namibia or Botswana do not apply to me. So listen to me. But what else can we do, I tried my best to cause confusion in the country in order to make Hidipo Hamutenya, the president, I mean my president of Namibia and real father of the Nation. But, Swapo oya kindja. Now they built Engineering School and Medical School, aaye man. But wait just a bit now thanks to our donor friends, NSHR has trained 120 human rights monitors whom we are sending all over Namibia with clear purpose, we know the purpose, I can assure RDP that much, now we are training 60 more to ensure that even if SWAPO wins, and we have no doubt it will, but at least the outcome must be tainted in favour of RDP, amen!

Phillemon Kanime: My name ish Phillemon Kanime, I wash Direktor of ECN, I wash count the resulta of elections and wash work very good. But I wash not know why the people wash laugh at me and say I cannot count. Why they tell me I must count big numbers. That wash rigging, Shiwapo was get too big number, that wash rigging, you hear, it was rigging, we must not allow Namprint to get the tender, the numbers will be even bigger, I wont it properly. Oh sorry I no longer in ECN, ayee that is not good, but I have friends inside, yes, yes but not sure if they count well. The Director of ECN now is a SWANU member, but I know some are RDP, only may be cleaners are SWAPO members in ECN, this time will fix them, he, he, ha..ha..aha…

Musical interruption (screaming like a frog was Kaseven and joined by Steven Mvula) singing the rhythm of Sema Ou lipeni, but were quickly reminded it must be Hidipo ou lipeni).

Hidipo Hamutenya: Viva Mannetjie! (there was silence in the hall) oh I mean Viva RDP, he corrected himself! (there was a sigh of relief in the hall)....eh eh eeh,,, comrades we are about to win hey just wait a little bit, some people say I fainted recently, uhm it was my birthday you see, I was very happy before I knew it there were angels all over me but they told me it was not my time. You see it was only a missed call from heaven. The RDP is supposed to win but the SWAPO chief Sam Nujoma is a problem. I want to hear today how we can win. The other day I received good report that our brochures are reaching the schools and many of our database is growing. Dont worry just recruit even if they dont vote for us we must just have a good database. Dont forget the strategies of our Nyamu Notes. Our friends in the media, human rights organisation and those still inside the ECN and Swapo are-helping us although they endure humiliation from the indiscipline SPYL. It is possible to reduce SWAPO 2/3 majority, I don’t know how. I want to give the floor to Steven Bezuidenhout to give us the winning strategy.

Steven Bezuidenhout: baie dankie my geagte president van die RDP, I am not sure why u gave me the floor, which strategy or for that matter a winning strategy, this no longer possible. Remember u told me that you had convinced the four O's to join RDP that is why I joined you. I joined RDP because of that assurance. But we lost in Eenhana, Omuthiya and Tobias Hainyeko Constituency I dont see any winning strategy capable of reducing 2/3 majority for SWAPO. The so-called Nyamu Notes is a complete failure. The only person of high standing who joined us Mike Kavekotora but all Permanent Secretaries and some two or three Ministers whom were told will join us have not done so. In my opinion and this is my honest opinion as Vice President of this project or sorry I mean political party which is dreaming to become a ruling party, let us wake up from this dream because SWAPO just like friend Jonathan Cobra said "is here to stay". Our realistic hope is to become an official opposition. It is better we campaign vigorously for that. I am sorry my president, but my conscience tells me this reality.

(a murmuring applause followed but was shortlived as Jesaya Nyamu fumed to take the podium)

Jesaya Nyamu: I suffered for the liberation of Namibia, I was a SWAPO freedom fighter now the johny come late call me all sorts of names, Viva SWAPO (steven mvula of NSHR reminded him by saying Viva RDP). Yes, thank you for the correction, I am angry. We must win, we must win go and tell the people that if they hate RDP they must mark X at RDP at the ballot box or tell them anything and also go to give them free top score so that they vote for us. Do whatever it takes, I must go to Parliament, Hidipo must go to Parliament, this is a betrayal because Omusati Clique has in filtrated us, we are finished and divided. Even Phil yaNangolo has failed now he is writing satire on his website. The media have ignored him completely with only informante and republikein covering him. Who does not know that DMH will soon take over informante newspaper, so it is the same paper. But that boy Max Hamata is good and giving yaNangolo space unlike Kuvee Kanguehi who is not publishing yaNangolo articles, shame on him. We have become hopeless. (hopeless yes it is true, a voice or two were saying, turns out it was Lapaka Weyulu and Nora Appolus).

Lapaka Weyulu: yes RDP is hopeless now, it has lost vision. I suffered for nothing. Oshili.

Nora Apollus: RDP never had a vision (that is true another voice thundered from behind, it was that of Nikanor Ndjoze)

Nikanor Ndjoze: Now we want to boycott elections because the tender for ballot printing to Namprint, but was it not Hidipo Hamutenya who inaugurated Namprint and it has been successfully printing ballot papers all along. It is stupid to boycott. Look at us now even making too much noise about IPPR predictions, I dont think even Hidipo Hamutenya as of now still has a dream to become President of Namibia. Let us wake up and smell the coffee our opponents are much stronger at all fronts. President Hifikepunye Pohamba will win with more than 2/3 majority and his ruling Party will scoop more than 2/3 majority. It is wishful thinking to expect otherwise (there was some commotion in the audience it turned to Jonathan Cobra who is dying to say something)

Jonathan Cobra: But now SWAPO is threatening to sue me for N$50 million with my fellow self disgraced Phil ya Nangolo. I promised to sue SWAPO website for N$5million. My sources in Swapo Government tell me the lawsuit is real, I want to know whether RDP will financially help, look at all the articles I write in The Namibian newspaper in favour of our failing political business plan. I am happy that the editor Mrs Gwen Lister especially Jean Sutherland and Briggite Weidlich support me in these articles to expose SWAPO negatively. But now I want to know if all this work is worth it? I even wrote that Usko Nghaamwa is a Governor of Omusati Region but it was approved by the editor you see she supports our strategies. I am able to get reliable decisions of Cabinet, it pays to have friends in high places, but does it pay to have friends in RDP who will pay for the N$50 million lawsuit from the vengeful SWAPO Party? I am in trouble....

Hidipo Hamutenya: Viva RDP (there was little response); Viva Mannetjie (there was no response, it turned out that when he said viva RDP he was showing a Swapo salute; and when he said viva mannetjie he made RDP, thus this confusion annoyed the audience...soon he realised and tried to press ahead). What is wrong with you people you seem confused, please vote for me for President of RDP in the upcoming Presidential and National Assembly Elections.

Later on that evening Hidipo Hamutenya was found in the hotel foyer and in the company of Phil yaNangolo and Jesaya Nyamu singing a SWAPO song: SEMMA ULIPENI, and talked to himself but the other two could hear: TA! Swapo is hot mboli man, I never knew. Onda totela shike oRDP? But I cant say it loud because it will be a shame to the RDP members and our Western donors. Then he shouted slowly: VIVA SWAPO, at this point tears rolled down his face. yaNangolo and Nyamu joined in crying just like little babies and yaNangolo kept saying “we must sue SWAPO” how can they humiliate us like that, but I will continue to write on my website a lot of nonsense, but the problem is that there is no internet in the villages or newspapers that is why we shall send our 180 monitors to all villages. Viva America, Viva Germany, Viva Scandinavian countries and Viva Britain, our true friends and donors!

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Wednesday, 14th October 2009, 13:04:11